A letter to the Police from the Police Chief

Hello,

I'd like to begin this letter by telling you all how proud I am of the Police of this city, the men and women of this department have performed an exemplary service over the five years since I took office and I owe each of you a debt of thanks. 

By now I'm sure many of you are aware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, either through direct experience of the crime or merely by having heard it mentioned by someone else in a conversation or having read about it somewhere. For those few of you who are unaware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, a staggering increase in pure crime has hit the streets of the city in the last month. Do not panic.

The new crime stampede is unusual when compared to the more commonplace crimes of murder, attempted murder of assassination and as such, it has proven difficult to police using traditional methods.

Simply put, the giant spilliage of crime is at it's core, a dance. And insidious dance that incorporates other crimes into it's basic movements. That would be bad enough, but the dance is protected by copyright - any perpetrators are guilty of the crimes within the dance and also the crime of idea theft. Double crime. It gets worse, you see the dance has been outlawed by the law that makes it illegal to do the dance. Triple crime. I'm sure I don't have to explain that this makes it the most criminal act that has ever occurred. Because it is.

You will all be issued with basic percussion instruments, go forth from the stations tonight armed with your maracas, woodblocks and triangles and use them arhythmically. Our best hope is to take away the opportunity for dance crime by sabotaging the very notion of 4/4 musical time. You will be arranged into squads and assigned a unique time signature to keep playing whenever you're on duty, thus making it impossible to dance to.

Good luck, be safe out there and keep the streets free of crimedance.

Yours,
Cheif Hobomountain Bonfire.

Batman's Diary

May 12th

Long night sitting on rooves... roofes... roofses (?) and that, defending the people of Gotham by watching them at night. Got very bored after a while, but made up songs to pass the time. Information I got from the kid I beat up paid off though, after ages, The Joker turned up with a few lads and was planning on blowing up the hospital, but with fish or something; only - like deadly fish that emit that stupid fucking gas of his. Anyway, I interrupted by punching and doing some kicks on them, I had a great time. Joker hid towards the end of the fight but I managed to catch him using the "shave and a haircut" bit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Classic. Might watch that before bed. Beat the Joker up obviously. Like, a lot. Dropped him off at Arkham on the way home, new guard on duty was "weird" at me. Like he was impressed, but he was annoyed that he was impressed by me. What's that about?

Wish Mum and Dad were here.

May 14th

"Bruce" had a converation with Commisioner Gordon at some charity thing. I dropped loads of hints and he still has no idea! Brilliant.

May 15th

Considering hiring another child to work alongside me. No idea where that thought came from. In other news; I bought a frigging tank. AMAZE!

Also, Joker escaped again. That guard got killed, so I feel a bit bad about not liking him now. Still haven't watched Roger Rabbit.

May 17th

Two-Face is getting weirder. Tonight I tracked him down at his hideout in the docks, but when I burst in he was dressed as a giant crow and blowing some asian guy. He said the coin made him do it. I've been trying to figure out exactly what series of coin tosses lead to that and am none the wiser.  Punched them a lot though. Brilliant. Dropped Harvey off at Arkham and just left the other guy in town, wasn't sure what to do there. I'm not convinced he was a criminal. Will keep tabs though, just in case.

Made a picture of Mum and Dad again out of pasta. Put it in the cave with the others. 5,058 now.

May 18th

Had to go to the Moon for a Justice League meeting today. Got into another stupid argument with Wonder Woman about her "right to choose". She's pretty though, but she's angry at everything all the time. She wants more women on the team, Flash pointed out it's not about gender it's about superpowers. And everyone looked at me, but I said "I'm the Goddamn Batman." and they laughed. Except WW.

It's hard to tell but I think there's another, different guy in the Green Lantern costume. Where the hell do they go? They can't all get killed can they? There's a new one every week for god's sake. 

Superman invited me over for dinner tomorrow at the Fortress of Solitude, I said yes, but I hate it there. It's not like I can get a cab home, I can't drink and fly the Batwing and I'm not having him fly me home again. Not that he'll drink and fly though, but he won't drink if I'm not drinking. Why don't we just eat upstairs? I'll call him in a minute. Or just start talking out loud and assume he can hear me. Actually, that's really creepy? If he can hear people in trouble, can he hear them on the toilet? Like all the time? Ugh.

Things Robots Are Scared Of.

1. Ghosts
2. Oxidation
3. Robocop
4. Some chimps
5. Magnets
6. Electro-Magnets
7. Intimacy
8. The Inquisition 
9. Commitment
10. Intimate-Magnets

Kaiju

Godzilla sits in the bay looking thoughtfully at Tokyo, he has not moved for an hour. The armed forces, having rushed to the shoreline with their truck mounted rocket launchers and such, wait for the monster to advance. A team of scientists scurry around the consoles that control a "Hyper-Electromagnetic-Atom-Thundercannon" checking dials and maintaining charges and pressures while a smaller team of scientists frantically declares to anyone who will listen that to fire the weapon would only make the monster stronger. News  helicopters, made confident by the monster's apparently placid nature, fly ever closer to the giant lizard, reporters make redundant observations about the scene and offer unfounded theories and opinions for the break in the regular routine of destruction. A seagull settles on Godzilla's right shoulder.

A long moment of tense tranquility. The monster speaks:

"My home closed to me,

both your hero and villain,

I seek peace elsewhere."

Silence. The bird flies away. 

The monster slowly turns and leaves, wading deeper into the ocean, futher and further away from the city. He does not look back.

Tokyo is destroyed by guilt. 

Names I Have Written

For various reasons I create characters for things. Some for sketches, some for role playing games, some for improv scenes. Here are some of the names I have used of late.

Senator Wickerman Fightballs
Doctor Columbia Peepshow
Timothy Switchback
Professor Honky Fingerbang (Courtesey of Donova Workun of Canada, Canada, Canada)
Nemo Anonymous
Doctor M. Bloodfart
Billiam Gloabaltradeinfrastucture
Phillip Sexcrime
Dickie Tummy
Dirk Now
Jeff Alden-Meer
Complementary Beverage
Kermit The God
Blake Awesome
Jack Permafrost
Doctor Exposition
Detective-Policeman Rockford Files
J. L. Bird
Mister Velociraptor
Shaniqua Dundee
PC Dawn Raids
MP Julie Elected and also another MP Jerry Mandering

Presented with no point or comment.