A letter to the Police from the Police Chief

Hello,

I'd like to begin this letter by telling you all how proud I am of the Police of this city, the men and women of this department have performed an exemplary service over the five years since I took office and I owe each of you a debt of thanks. 

By now I'm sure many of you are aware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, either through direct experience of the crime or merely by having heard it mentioned by someone else in a conversation or having read about it somewhere. For those few of you who are unaware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, a staggering increase in pure crime has hit the streets of the city in the last month. Do not panic.

The new crime stampede is unusual when compared to the more commonplace crimes of murder, attempted murder of assassination and as such, it has proven difficult to police using traditional methods.

Simply put, the giant spilliage of crime is at it's core, a dance. And insidious dance that incorporates other crimes into it's basic movements. That would be bad enough, but the dance is protected by copyright - any perpetrators are guilty of the crimes within the dance and also the crime of idea theft. Double crime. It gets worse, you see the dance has been outlawed by the law that makes it illegal to do the dance. Triple crime. I'm sure I don't have to explain that this makes it the most criminal act that has ever occurred. Because it is.

You will all be issued with basic percussion instruments, go forth from the stations tonight armed with your maracas, woodblocks and triangles and use them arhythmically. Our best hope is to take away the opportunity for dance crime by sabotaging the very notion of 4/4 musical time. You will be arranged into squads and assigned a unique time signature to keep playing whenever you're on duty, thus making it impossible to dance to.

Good luck, be safe out there and keep the streets free of crimedance.

Yours,
Cheif Hobomountain Bonfire.

The Most Dangerous Gameshow

I propose a new reality-wildlife-gameshow wherein we challenge some established truths about the food chain by making animals compete head to head for points.

For example, we all know how dangerous the shark is. Bitey, swift and intimidating are but a few of its attributes, it is clearly king of the sea-people. But what happens when "La parte del diente submarina grande" comes into direct inescapable conflict with a new creature. In this case, the fuzzy-old-man of the woods, the bee.

Agile, quick-to-anger and with a butt full of poison, the bee is one of the forest's most known animals. Able to sense its prey through dance from a distance of over eight centimetres the "petite balle d'étamine" is nothing if not dedicated to whatever task it has exclusively known since "birth".

Upon entering the "Enviro-sphere" the shark is inititially very agitated, flailing around in the 12 inches of water in the "Combat-pool", it does however calm down. The bee though is difficult to see, after three minutes it becomes apparent that it has stung a runner who died from anaphalaxis soon after the bee matyred itself. The shark is also dead.

Proving once and for all that the greatest predator is television.

Kaiju

Godzilla sits in the bay looking thoughtfully at Tokyo, he has not moved for an hour. The armed forces, having rushed to the shoreline with their truck mounted rocket launchers and such, wait for the monster to advance. A team of scientists scurry around the consoles that control a "Hyper-Electromagnetic-Atom-Thundercannon" checking dials and maintaining charges and pressures while a smaller team of scientists frantically declares to anyone who will listen that to fire the weapon would only make the monster stronger. News  helicopters, made confident by the monster's apparently placid nature, fly ever closer to the giant lizard, reporters make redundant observations about the scene and offer unfounded theories and opinions for the break in the regular routine of destruction. A seagull settles on Godzilla's right shoulder.

A long moment of tense tranquility. The monster speaks:

"My home closed to me,

both your hero and villain,

I seek peace elsewhere."

Silence. The bird flies away. 

The monster slowly turns and leaves, wading deeper into the ocean, futher and further away from the city. He does not look back.

Tokyo is destroyed by guilt. 

Porkpal - Eating Pork Is No Longer A Chore

Rejected advertising copy I wrote for an American food conglomerate last year from a simple design brief for thier new food addittive, Porkpal. Porkpal has yet to be brought to market because of some persistent psycho pharmaceutical problems with human testing. The rights to the unused copy remain with me; I present it here in the form it was submitted to the client. Only in italics.

"Hey! If you're like everyone else who's like you, you love pork, right? But why does pork have to be so goddamn dull? Simple, idiot. It doesn't.

That was then, right up to now, but now and forever there's a new product that milks the boredom out of pork and replaces it with a powerful upper torso taste-tackle.

Porkpal is here to replace the boring flavour of pork treats and make them taste like your own dreams! Try its seven delicious and prophecised flavours;

• Chicken!
• Beefs!
  
• Ham!
  
• Beefs-lite. (It's OK).
  
• Acronym!
• Internet!
  
• and Ghost!

But why stop at improving your own foods? Make new inexpensive baits, trick a vegetarian or just host your own pork-party. So power up your pork product's palate today. Also try our upcoming, pre-new taste tickle - Weather flavour, coming soon!

Porkpal! Eat more meat more!

(Porkpal is only for use on pork and is not to be used on other meats, foods, materials or concepts. Porkpal is hazardous in damp environments and must be stored in a dry, dark and calm environment. Do not allow Porkpal to come into contact with cats, roads or the literature of Cormac McCarthy.)"

A Sample Scene From My Screenplay, Time-bother.

What follows is an excerpt from one of the many film ideas I'm developing. For the purposes of your imagination please visualise the following performers as the cast.

Carl - John Krasinski (The Office US)
Leonard - Donald Glover (Community)
Anna - Alia Shawkat (Arrested Development)
Man 1 - Tim Robbins (The Hudsucker Proxy)
Man 2 - Another Tim Robbins (The Hudsucker Proxy)
Mr Velociraptor - A Velociraptor, but like, one in a top hat. (Jurassic Ritz)

Scientists in a laboratory, 2025. Carl, Leonard and Anna are arguing, they all wear lab coats.

CARL: We can't do this. I won't allow-
ANNA: You knew Carl! You knew exactly what we had planned. We agreed.
LEONARD: Anna's right. We all knew where this could go if- when this worked out.
ANNA: Exactly, Leonard's right.
CARL: No. Time travel is too dangerous. There are too many, just too many variables. We can't have any idea the effects that changing one tiny thing will have, let alone what you're proposing.
ANNA: We'll save so many people. Think of that.
CARL: You're still talking about killing. It's a huge alteration to the timeline-
LEONARD: The needs of the many...
CARL: I don't know-
LEONARD: Outweigh... go on...
CARL: The needs of the few... of the one. Let's do this.

Cut to office interior 2005, two men sit at a desk.

MAN 1: Hey, what if he's an opera singer?
MAN 2: Oh, yeah! And he can sing the name of the company over and over again.
MAN 1: But we can have him do a series of terrible puns and sight gags! We are-

Carl and Leonard appear behind them.

MAN 1: Oh my god!
CARL: Are you both working on an ad campaign for Go Compare?
MAN 2: Yes, but where did y-
LEONARD: Light 'em up.

Carl shoots both men. Leonard douses the office in petrol and lights a match.

Cut to Laboratory 2025. Anna's lab coat is blue.

LEONARD: We did it!
CARL: More importantly we didn't change the time stream any more than we had to.
ANNA: You're back! Great! I got us some wine to celebrate.
LEONARD: I'll get a corkscrew.
CARL: Wait! How come you're wearing a blue lab coat?
ANNA: They've always been blue.
CARL: Leonard, I think we may have changed history.
LEONARD: OK, but not in a significant way, I think we're going to be fine. Let's get some wine.

A knock at the door. Anna opens it!

ANNA: It's the boss! Welcome Mister Velociraptor! Mission Accomplished!
MR V: Rawr!

Mr Velociraptor enters and vomits music, Anna laughs and begins to emit jets of wine from her eyes. The various appliances in the laboratory grow mouths and scream incoherently. Carl looks aghast.

LEONARD: Ok. Yes. We may have messed up time.