A letter to the Police from the Police Chief

Hello,

I'd like to begin this letter by telling you all how proud I am of the Police of this city, the men and women of this department have performed an exemplary service over the five years since I took office and I owe each of you a debt of thanks. 

By now I'm sure many of you are aware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, either through direct experience of the crime or merely by having heard it mentioned by someone else in a conversation or having read about it somewhere. For those few of you who are unaware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, a staggering increase in pure crime has hit the streets of the city in the last month. Do not panic.

The new crime stampede is unusual when compared to the more commonplace crimes of murder, attempted murder of assassination and as such, it has proven difficult to police using traditional methods.

Simply put, the giant spilliage of crime is at it's core, a dance. And insidious dance that incorporates other crimes into it's basic movements. That would be bad enough, but the dance is protected by copyright - any perpetrators are guilty of the crimes within the dance and also the crime of idea theft. Double crime. It gets worse, you see the dance has been outlawed by the law that makes it illegal to do the dance. Triple crime. I'm sure I don't have to explain that this makes it the most criminal act that has ever occurred. Because it is.

You will all be issued with basic percussion instruments, go forth from the stations tonight armed with your maracas, woodblocks and triangles and use them arhythmically. Our best hope is to take away the opportunity for dance crime by sabotaging the very notion of 4/4 musical time. You will be arranged into squads and assigned a unique time signature to keep playing whenever you're on duty, thus making it impossible to dance to.

Good luck, be safe out there and keep the streets free of crimedance.

Yours,
Cheif Hobomountain Bonfire.

Proverbs

A few weeks ago, I posted some proverbs on my twitter account @misterspidergod. Some of them are collected here. Why? Two reasons, Twitter is an awful archiving tool and more importantly, I am lazy.

• There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are six; original, western, double original, diet, buffalo-fireball and alpine.

• Too many cooks spoil the broth. Because, generally, cooks are dicks.

• A picture is worth a thousand milli-pictures.

• The proof is in the pudding. So if you're a detective, check out the pudding.

• It takes a thief to catch a thief, it will take a third thief to catch the first one, eventually you'll have to swallow a spider.

• Lightning never strikes the same place twice more than once.

• A trouble shared is a trouble doubled.

• An army marches on its stomach. An army of snakes.

• A bird in the hand will freak the fuck out.

That's all for now, I'm sure I'll revive this tired trope soon.