A letter to the Police from the Police Chief

Hello,

I'd like to begin this letter by telling you all how proud I am of the Police of this city, the men and women of this department have performed an exemplary service over the five years since I took office and I owe each of you a debt of thanks. 

By now I'm sure many of you are aware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, either through direct experience of the crime or merely by having heard it mentioned by someone else in a conversation or having read about it somewhere. For those few of you who are unaware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, a staggering increase in pure crime has hit the streets of the city in the last month. Do not panic.

The new crime stampede is unusual when compared to the more commonplace crimes of murder, attempted murder of assassination and as such, it has proven difficult to police using traditional methods.

Simply put, the giant spilliage of crime is at it's core, a dance. And insidious dance that incorporates other crimes into it's basic movements. That would be bad enough, but the dance is protected by copyright - any perpetrators are guilty of the crimes within the dance and also the crime of idea theft. Double crime. It gets worse, you see the dance has been outlawed by the law that makes it illegal to do the dance. Triple crime. I'm sure I don't have to explain that this makes it the most criminal act that has ever occurred. Because it is.

You will all be issued with basic percussion instruments, go forth from the stations tonight armed with your maracas, woodblocks and triangles and use them arhythmically. Our best hope is to take away the opportunity for dance crime by sabotaging the very notion of 4/4 musical time. You will be arranged into squads and assigned a unique time signature to keep playing whenever you're on duty, thus making it impossible to dance to.

Good luck, be safe out there and keep the streets free of crimedance.

Yours,
Cheif Hobomountain Bonfire.

A Mountain Lion's Musing

Am I missing out?

I mean, the mountain is great, I love the mountain, don't get me wrong. Lived on the mountain my whole life. Mountain Lion. It's in the name. I'm just thinking, maybe I could be something else. Like a farm cat. Is that a thing?

A farm? Am I saying it right? Faaaaarm. I think it's basically a kind of flat mountain... but it's made of food and there's a lot of fancy animals there.

I feel like I'm not developing here. Sure, I hunt deer... white-tailed deer... mule deer... elk... other kinds of deer... I pretty much just hunt deer. I'm not obsessed with deer, I just never knew anything else. Maybe I could hunt other things, I've heard of so many; sharks, mirrorballs, limes, boxes... I don't even know what they are, but boy, they sound exotic. I bet I'd be good at hunting them.

I could live in a bigger cave, maybe one with a curtain over the front of it. Or one really near a herd of mirrorballs, like really near their watering hole or whatever they have.

I 'm looking forward to the sunset tonight though. I like those. Sunsets are great. Who even knows if they have them at the farm? I'd miss them. Miss them a lot. Maybe it's always night there. Farms a creepy.

I'll probably be fine in the cave for another night.Maybe I'll go find the farm tomorrow. Yep.

Man, I'd love to eat a mirrorball though. I bet they taste like deer. 

Improbable Return To Bullshit

Hello,

Inexplicably this thing has clocked well over 1300 pageviews in the ten months or so since I started vomiting tat into the ether.

Thanks, I don't have the faintest idea who you are, but if you liked things I wrote - great!

The Edinburgh Festival is fast approaching and I have content to create. In the past material I've "sounded out" on this thing has actually proven really useful, even if only as a basis for subsequent work; to that end (pretty sure that's a legit semicolon right there) I'm going to try to write more stuff here. In the vain hope that it'll help me generate sketch/standup/other material.

So then. Caveats.

I expect this to be a land that editing did not get around to visiting. A place composed entirely of first drafts with little in the way of editing (mainly spelling and grammar). A home for material that doesn't work yet and may never.

So, again; thanks for reading this.

I'll try to use it more. For reals. 

(Also, if you are one of an improbably large number of readers, do say hello in the comments).