A Mountain Lion's Musing

Am I missing out?

I mean, the mountain is great, I love the mountain, don't get me wrong. Lived on the mountain my whole life. Mountain Lion. It's in the name. I'm just thinking, maybe I could be something else. Like a farm cat. Is that a thing?

A farm? Am I saying it right? Faaaaarm. I think it's basically a kind of flat mountain... but it's made of food and there's a lot of fancy animals there.

I feel like I'm not developing here. Sure, I hunt deer... white-tailed deer... mule deer... elk... other kinds of deer... I pretty much just hunt deer. I'm not obsessed with deer, I just never knew anything else. Maybe I could hunt other things, I've heard of so many; sharks, mirrorballs, limes, boxes... I don't even know what they are, but boy, they sound exotic. I bet I'd be good at hunting them.

I could live in a bigger cave, maybe one with a curtain over the front of it. Or one really near a herd of mirrorballs, like really near their watering hole or whatever they have.

I 'm looking forward to the sunset tonight though. I like those. Sunsets are great. Who even knows if they have them at the farm? I'd miss them. Miss them a lot. Maybe it's always night there. Farms a creepy.

I'll probably be fine in the cave for another night.Maybe I'll go find the farm tomorrow. Yep.

Man, I'd love to eat a mirrorball though. I bet they taste like deer. 

Fun Zoo The Max

Sure, the zoo is enjoyable, but what would make it more fun?

More fun would! Add more fun!

How? This;

Try to line the cage bars up with a zebra's stripes so it looks like it's just a brown horse.

Bring an animal to the zoo with you and try to sneak it in to an enclosure. But be careful to add it to one that suits it; cats in with the lions, hamsters in with meerkats, dogs get to go in with wolves, goldfish with... they just go in water, in any water. This way they'll all have things to talk about.

Elephants. Dress as a peanut. Then flee, Pamploma style.

Find a leopard and talk to it. They don't care about what. They just love talking. 

Take some compact discs and try to throw them onto the horn of a rhino. Also, get the rhino a CD player so it can enjoy some sweet tunes. Remeber, don't give them any classical music, they are shallow beasts who prefer RnB.

The Most Dangerous Gameshow

I propose a new reality-wildlife-gameshow wherein we challenge some established truths about the food chain by making animals compete head to head for points.

For example, we all know how dangerous the shark is. Bitey, swift and intimidating are but a few of its attributes, it is clearly king of the sea-people. But what happens when "La parte del diente submarina grande" comes into direct inescapable conflict with a new creature. In this case, the fuzzy-old-man of the woods, the bee.

Agile, quick-to-anger and with a butt full of poison, the bee is one of the forest's most known animals. Able to sense its prey through dance from a distance of over eight centimetres the "petite balle d'étamine" is nothing if not dedicated to whatever task it has exclusively known since "birth".

Upon entering the "Enviro-sphere" the shark is inititially very agitated, flailing around in the 12 inches of water in the "Combat-pool", it does however calm down. The bee though is difficult to see, after three minutes it becomes apparent that it has stung a runner who died from anaphalaxis soon after the bee matyred itself. The shark is also dead.

Proving once and for all that the greatest predator is television.

Porkpal - Eating Pork Is No Longer A Chore

Rejected advertising copy I wrote for an American food conglomerate last year from a simple design brief for thier new food addittive, Porkpal. Porkpal has yet to be brought to market because of some persistent psycho pharmaceutical problems with human testing. The rights to the unused copy remain with me; I present it here in the form it was submitted to the client. Only in italics.

"Hey! If you're like everyone else who's like you, you love pork, right? But why does pork have to be so goddamn dull? Simple, idiot. It doesn't.

That was then, right up to now, but now and forever there's a new product that milks the boredom out of pork and replaces it with a powerful upper torso taste-tackle.

Porkpal is here to replace the boring flavour of pork treats and make them taste like your own dreams! Try its seven delicious and prophecised flavours;

• Chicken!
• Beefs!
  
• Ham!
  
• Beefs-lite. (It's OK).
  
• Acronym!
• Internet!
  
• and Ghost!

But why stop at improving your own foods? Make new inexpensive baits, trick a vegetarian or just host your own pork-party. So power up your pork product's palate today. Also try our upcoming, pre-new taste tickle - Weather flavour, coming soon!

Porkpal! Eat more meat more!

(Porkpal is only for use on pork and is not to be used on other meats, foods, materials or concepts. Porkpal is hazardous in damp environments and must be stored in a dry, dark and calm environment. Do not allow Porkpal to come into contact with cats, roads or the literature of Cormac McCarthy.)"

Amazing Animals - The Snake

Consider the snake, nature's shark. A predator as deadly as a gun and twice as deadly.

Perhaps the most dangerous of the vertibrates (a class of animals which know about spines) its sleek, tube-like body can be used to crush prey like meaty cakes, to inject it with poison and in extreme circumstances, one snake can even be frozen by it's peers, sharpened and then used to stab it's quarry.

Their tiny hands, invisible to the human eye, are used to fashion food parcels that are held in its ample cheeks for later consumption, thus allowing the snake to ingest a single kill over the course of an entire meal or months or something.

Able to hunt in any environment on Earth from swamp to desert, city to town, deep sea to low orbit, the snake is a powerful kill-wizard that remains undefeated in inter-species conflict. In truth, only luck has spared us the wrath of this otherwise dominant creature, how long do we have before they realise just how vulnerable our reliance on pipes has made us. Our governments have doomed us.

Quick-fire Snake Facts:

• Every snake has a map hidden on its skin, it may be reversed or inverted somehow, but it is there.

• Snakes are responsible for the myth of the modern Tooth-Fairy.

• In a 2006 survey, when asked "What physical attribute would you most like to possess?" an overwhelming majority of snakes (68%) answered "A butt." A distant second was "Proper eyes" at 17%.
  

• Snakes cannot see ghosts, nor can ghosts see snakes.

• No science has yet been able to fully explain how snakes reproduce. While it is known that they come from eggs, the origins of these eggs are shrouded in mystery. Popular theory has it that an, half-lizard, evil Easter-bunny-thing leaves a snake an egg for every human tooth it harvests. Further study is needed.

• To date, only one snake has written a book, it writes under the pen name "Stephanie Meyer".

• No snake has sat through The Godfather Part III.

• While snakes cannot fall in love with things like rope, the reverse is not only possible but common.

• Over 73% of snakes believe that they are the direct descendents of dragon penises.

That's all for now, join us next time for some more looking at nature's Amazing Animals.